Night Reflection, The Intoxication

The night has... gently started to envelope the whole surroundings, and I think today, I had my first taste of cabin fever.

It's been more than a month here already, where apart from 2 supermarketing trips, I really haven't been out much. And I felt it was hard today. So I worshipped and prayed more today.

And yesterday's run was tough. I told myself that every weekend, I will do 10 rounds round Rihan Heights every Sat and Sun, and yesterday, it was so tough. I found this whole running a discipline. Before the version of CB here, I had many outlets to sweat, especially when the going gets tough. I could swim, tennis, gym, run - and run in different places. And now, I could only go round and round.

So I told myself so many things thru' the run to keep it going. The self-talk, the talk-to-God, the meditations, the proclamations, the confessions, the prayers, the singing-to-myself, the thinking-of-work, the imagining of the remaining kilometres like I was at MR and BTH.... the step-by-step, round-by-round, trudging on. It was really hard. I just had to keep telling myself it is the 7th round, 8th, 9th... :)

And I finished 10.
But not all days are that bad. Today was much easier. Thankfully.

I wonder if my friends are like me? Context is the run. For example, I motivate myself by the "good feelings" thereafter. Like I tell myself - just do it. Just 我慢。Or, look forward to the end point. ANd it's a discipline. C'mon - build it. Take care of yourself. Do what you can. And when I feel like giving up, I imagine which point I would be at MR. Whether or not it's catching up with the person in front or not to allow the person behind me to catch me, the kms left and its equivalence here round and round. That feeling of basking in the sun and the stretch thereafter. I dunno. Somehow, one thing is clear though. The end, is always, always, always so much so much sweeter.

And yesterday, a flurry of emotions intoxicated me.
I watched "The Last Dance", and I was so very touched. At one point, even teared a little.
It's about the Chicago Bulls, about MJ, SP and DR - and it brought me back to the days of my youth.
I can't possibly put the emotions into words, except that it really was an overwhelming gush of emotions, because I remember how inspired I was by the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan, that really, at one point in my life, all I wanted is to play better basketball, and even - to play for Singapore.

How much in those days of youth and passion, and belief, and dream, I was.

I would sneak into the courts when the CC was closed, turned on the lights, practise my lay-ups, play some one-on-one, three-on-threes... and when there was note even a basketball ECA in my school. I just love the way the ball swoosh thru' the net, the way I could get past stronger and bigger defenders, the beauty of the set pieces, the sweat on the court, the teamwork. It got so intense I really wanted to play bball for Singapore then. And it was hard work. It was crazy passion. I remember the matches I played, the huge wins we had in school, the trainings in 外队, the playing for VJ and NUS, the BNSS team I brought to championship, the toil and the tears, that first love with the ball.

And I followed CB And MJ-SP-DR like crazy. Watched every single match, biting my teeth at times, cheering together.. the finesse, the toil, the wins - the triumphs. It was just crazy.

And so, yesterday, I was pretty overwhelmed. I don't think there was any other moment in my 40 years of life that I've ever felt such passion about 1 area, apart from wanting to be that "source of wisdom, bridge of understanding" in my love for my saviour, which brought me to places I cannot imagine.
Which is why, I pondered again - this thing about vocation and calling. If I can really be true to myself, what do I really really want to do?


Such a good 2 episodes. I very much look forward to this coming weekend... for the new episodes on NF.

So tonight, it's become dark already. Ramadan has started... there's not much difference to me being in a the lock-down. May all my Muslim friends enjoy their special month. This coming week - may I once again, be refreshed and ready.